Mabel enters a Methlab (also starring Killy McKiller Man)
by uneducated dumbass
Summary: I'd recommend reading the back of a cereal box over this.


I was standing outside of a house, rain drizzling down upon my head. All of the lights in the house were on and you could see figures moving around through the windows. The house was white with a tall wooden fence around it, which was a little bit bigger than me. There was loud, booming hip-hop music that was playing inside the house, reverberating throughout the entire neighborhood.

I was attempting to sneak into this house for whatever reason, I think it was a meth lab or something, I don't know. I'm standing there contemplating how I am gonna get in the house without being seen, when I remember some little girl is standing next to me.

I had no idea why she was there, what the hell would a little girl be doing at a meth house while its raining in the middle of the night?

I take a good look at the girl, she has long brown hair and is wearing a hot pink sweater along with a purple skirt. She also has braces in her teeth.

Wait.

"Mabel?" I asked in a whisper.

"Yeah, thats me!"

She said this a bit too loudly for my taste, we were literally a few feet from the house.

I told her to hush, and she whined a little but apologized.

"What are you doing here? Its pitch black outside and its raining, you're not even wearing a jacket!"

She responded with "I reaaaaaally need to use the bathroom, and this is the closest place I could find! I thought I'd come here and ask the people here if I could use the bathroom and I found you standing outside."

I sighed, slightly annoyed at having to deal with a kid in the middle of my break-in.

"These are not nice people Mabel, you wouldn't want to use their bathroom. Trust me."

After I said this I waited for a response from Mabel, but received none. I looked over to see her clutching her stomach and moaning in pain.

"O-oooooh no, I don't think I can hold it anymore! I really gotta go, I don't care how bad those people are! They can't be that terrible!"

She darted off towards the house, and I could hear loud fart noises emanating from her as she ran.

"Fuck, Mabel stop!" I shouted to no avail. I chased after her, cursing my shitty luck.

Now I had to deal with a bunch of psychotic methheads and a little girl with stomach problems.

Looks any kind of subtlety or stealth was out of the fucking question now.

She opted to circle around the house and enter through the back door, which was carelessly left unlocked. I followed close behind her, the stink of her flatuence still lingering in the air. Made my stomach churn.

I drew two pistols that I had in my coat, I can't remember now if they were berettas or desert eagles. It didn't matter, its not like those lowlifes could afford kevlar.

The backdoor lead into the kitchen. It was a messy kitchen, bugs crawling on the counter and unwashed dishes laying everywhere with leftover food stains etched into them. Although the floor was surprisingly clean, or at least there wasn't any dirt.

The music was even more obnoxiously loud than before, so I made sure to be extra alert as it was hard to hear anything with a heavy bass being blasted into your ear.

I wasted no time locating Mabel. Luckily the bathroom was pretty close to the backdoor, but unfortunately for Mabel the bathroom had no door on it, so she was completely exposed to whoever passed by.

It seemed nobody had noticed we had gotten in yet, so I took the time to scold her for being so reckless. She hadn't noticed I was there yet.

"Mabel, for fucks sake! Don't go running into a strangers house no matter how badly you have to shit! Just go in the damn bushes next time, you're making my job needlessly more complicated!"

She looked at me, startled, then yelled at the top of her lungs. Her voice somehow managed to overpower the booming loudness of the music being played, it was kind of incredible.

"D-d-don't look! GO AWAY, YOU FREAK! I'M BUSY!"

Shit.

If they didn't know we were here before, they sure as hell do now.

I whip around, guns drawn and aimed directly toward the doorway that lead to the stairs; and sure enough there was a methhead with a knife running towards. Fucker was completely dressed in red. Red bandana, read wifebeater, red pants.

I unloaded one shot from each pistol into the bastard and he dropped, the empty shell casings hitting the ground at the same moment his corpse did.

I'm sure the neighbors heard those shots and would be calling the cops any second now. Didn't matter now, the whole operation had been fucked. I was supposed to get in and steal something valuable without killing anyone or getting spotted, but thanks to the little brat that whole plan went straight to shit.

Only one thing left to do know.

Kill every motherfucker in this house and burn it to cinders.

Right at the moment I thought this, a huge fart noise came out of the bathroom.

"God damn it Mabel, what the fuck is wrong with you?!"

"S-Shut up!"

I didn't have time to be annoyed at her, cause I saw two more of the fuckheads armed with uzis coming down the stairs.

In the blink of an eye I aimed my pistols right at their heads and squeezed the triggers. What little brain matter they had went splat against the wall while their bodies went limp instantaneously and slid down the stairs in a heap. It was amusing in a sick way.

As I was admiring my handywork, more farts resounded from the bathroom, again interrupting my train of thought.

"MABEL SHUT THE FUCK UP! DON'T YOU HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS?! I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A SHOOTOUT HERE!"

"I can't help it, you jerk!" she said this as more farts escaped her.

I was about to retort when I realized another goon had his gun trained on me. I dived out his line of fire while bullets riddled the area I had been previously standing.

He kept firing his uzi in the general dircetion of where I dived. The noise was driving me absolutely insane. The gun shots, the obnoxious music and Mabels farts all conjoined together to create this cacophonous sound that made me want to make that junkies life easier and just blow my fucking brains out. But I persevered.

The shooting stopped, and I knew the fucker had ran dry and was changing mags. The idea that he could be faking me out to lure me had entered my mind, but this was a untrained drug addict with no combat experience. I doubt he had the mental capacity to formulate and execute such a tactic, but you never know.

To be sure, I peeked my head out from around the corner.

The fucker was standing at top of the stairs behind a corner, peeking his head out. I opened fire from behind the wall I had dived towards, not expecting to hit anything with the target obscured, I only meant to pin down and frighten. I managed to get a lucky shot in on his uzi, and the gun went flying out of his hands.

When I saw this, I immediately ran up the stairs after the bastard while making sure not to trip over the bodies I had left there from my previous encounter.

I reached the top of the stairs and continued down a hallway after the guy. He dashed straight into a room, while I was close behind him in pursuit. When I got close to the doorway I made sure to be cautious in case he happened to have another gun in the room.

Fuck, I would have brought a grenade or two if I had known this was gonna turn into a game of hide and seek.

I decided to just wing it and charge into the room, opening fire and hoping to hit the fuck.

Luckily enough my hopes were answered as bullets riddled him and his body hit the ground.

Whew. Looks like my work here is done.

Wait.

It was at this point I realized I left Mabel by herself in that bathroom. I immediately ran back down the stairs and to the bathroom, only to find a rabid dog frothing at the mouth and growling at Mabel.

She was scared and shaking, helpless against such a huge dog.

I disliked killing animals, but I had no choice. I trained one of my guns right onto the dogs head and pulled the trigger.

The dog went limp, and its body hit the ground with a sickening thud. Mabel stood frozen, eyes wide for a moment. Then she broke down into tears.

Damn.

I realize I shouldn't have felt sorry for her, it was her own damn fault for coming in here instead of just going in the bushes or something. But i couldn't help but feel some sorta sympathy for her, she just wanted to use the bathroom, and wasn't expecting to watch a dog get its brains blown out right in front of her.

But that had to wait for later. I had to burn this fucking house down before the cops showed up.

I sighed. "Mabel, we have to go now. You're done, right?"

She was silent for a moment, but she responded "I-I-I haven't wiped yet."

For fucks sake.

I sighed again. "Okay fine, take the toilet paper, you can wipe outside. Hurry up and wait for me out there, I have to do something real quick.

She nodded while grabbing the toilet paper and running outside, without looking back.

Now to burn this shithole down. I picked up every shell casing and search the house for a can of gas, pour the whole thing everywhere and light it in only a minute. House should be burnt to the ground by the time the cops get here.

I leave the house, looking for Mabel. I find her not too far from the house, sitting in the bushes.

"You done wiping yet Mabel?"

"Y-Y-Yeah, just a couple more times."

That stutter was so totally unlike the normal Mabel. It was fucked up to hear her like this. This whole ordeal really shook her up.

Even if it was technically her fault, I still felt kinda guilty about putting a kid through this.

Scratching the back of my head, I say "Christ Mabel, I'm sorry you had to go be put through this. I'm also sorry for beng a prick earlier and yelling at you, I realize you couldn't really control yourself that easily, especially with all that loud noise."

"Its fine I guess, Its really my own fault for running into that house like an idiot. Should have just gone in the bushes like you said. Honestly, I should be used to dangerous situations by now."

Wow.

Her stutter was completely gone, the way she said that was almost casual. I guess she recovers pretty quickly from really stressful situations.

I didn't say anything, just stayed silent and waited for her to finish. Thankfully didn't have to wait very long.

"Well, I'm done. Thanks for, uh, protecting me from those thugs and that crazy dog."

"Not a problem. I guess it was nice to actually see some action tonight."

"Uh, alright. I guess I better head home now before my brother starts freaking out."

I realized she didn't have a ride home. I didn't really wanna let a girl walk home by herself in the middle of the night, especially after a friggin shootout just went down.

"You don't have a ride back do you? I could, uh, you know, give you a ride back home."

"Er, I don't know if I wanna ride with you. No offense, you seem kind of unstable."

Ouch.

"Okay, well, just take this money for a taxi instead. Thats fine, right?

"I'd normally say no, but gosh do I want to just go home! Give me the money, I want out of here!"

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a wad of bills and handed them over to her. Should definitely be enough.

"Alright, there you go. I gotta get the hell outta here. Cya later, and don't running into strangers houses for any reason anymore, got that.?"

"Thanks, and yeah yeah I think I get the message after watching you shoot a bunch of people. Bye!"

I wave goodbye and walk away. I make to my car, unlock it, get in, start it and drive off. I turn the radio on, and the same obnoxious song that played in the drug house is playing. I am immediately reminded of the sound of gun shots and farts, along with the smell of shit and rotten food.

I kick the fucking radio in, smashing it to pieces. Damn thing never plays anything worth listening to anyways.

God damn it. I didn't manage to do my job, I killed a bunch of junkies and a rabid dog, burned a house down and had to protect a girl who couldn't stop shitting.

Just another day in Gravity Falls.

THE END 


End file.
